Our short film, IMPASSE, has been successfully funded!
Check out all the wonderful backers, and if you’re on Twitter, give them a follow.
We thank our backers and all the people who spread the word to help us get our funding. To say we’re humbled would be an understatement.
Please “like” IMPASSE on Facebook to follow our journey from pre-production to film festivals!
Our IMPASSE campaign is going strong, thanks to all of your support both in spreading the word and in pledging.
As a THANK YOU to all of your efforts, we’ve added some fun new perks! (note: if you’d like to up your pledge to be able to get one of Doug’s books, just go to the Kickstarter page and enter the TOTAL new dollar amount of your pledge, not just the additional funds. Kickstarter will automatically disregard the previous number and take the latest number entered.)
THE SWAG:
So get your name on the backer list to be eligible for all the prizes! Here’s the link to pledge to IMPASSE.
More new fun perks will be announced later in the campaign!
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Some words from Leigh Medeiros, the generous script consultant helping our IMPASSE campaign:
Greetings screenwriters!
If you’re anything like me, you were pretty pumped to hear that the talented folks we know and love, Jeanne V. Bowerman and Michael Bekemeyer, have teamed up to write and direct (respectively) a short film together, IMPASSE.
Anyone on Twitter knows that these two are tireless in their tweets supporting fellow writers and filmmakers. That’s why I wanted to donate something – in this case a feature-length script analysis valued at $185 – to help them raise funds. I figured it might bring in a little more money than I had to offer.
Who Am I?
I’m a former Hollywood script reader, writers’ assistant, college screenwriting instructor, and 2010 Screenwriting Fellow through the State of Rhode Island. I’ve been giving notes, coaching screenwriters and teaching script workshops since 2005. You can read more about my credentials here, if you like: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/leigh-medeiros/10/481/351
What’s The Process?
First you pledge to IMPASSE and help get the total amount pledged to $12,000. Then a random drawing of one backer’s name – and the winner gets the script analysis through your generous support of IMPASSE, once the project is fully funded.
Then, you email me your script (with a release form, found on my website silverwingscripts.com) and I read it. Then I read it again. And again. All the while I’m taking notes, making connections, asking questions. Then we get on the phone and chat for about 1.5 hours discussing everything from plot and structure to character arcs and dialogue. The goal is to help you bring out your best story, while making it as appealing as possible to producers, agents, actors and anyone else you want to read it.
Yeah But Have I Actually Helped Anyone?
I think I have. Here’s what a couple folks have said about me:
“Like most people who decide to write a screenplay, I knew nothing about writing screenplays. I bought some books, read a few scripts and charged ahead. And the first draft turned out OK. But then I sent it to Leigh. The notes she gave me were full of things that I didn’t want to hear. But I needed to hear them. Character, structure, theme, pacing – she showed me what wasn’t working and then she gave me the tools to fix it. I listened and the results were beyond what I ever could have achieved on my own. My script made it to the semifinals of the Nicholl Fellowship. It landed me a manager and an agent. An Oscar winner wants to produce it. I’ve just spent the past month meeting with some of the top production companies and studios in Hollywood. I am officially living the dream. And I couldn’t have done it without Silver Wing Scripts. It’s hard to break in to Hollywood. You might only get one shot. And if you’re trying to get your foot in the door, don’t you think it’s worth a little money to make sure it’s your best foot? If you are serious about a career in screenwriting then you should seriously consider Silver Wing Scripts.” - Eirene Donohue, Nicholls Fellowship Semi-finalist, Black List screenwriter
“I was struck immediately by Leigh’s thoroughness. I found her to be an extremely helpful and giving resource person. I was extremely impressed with her ability to express valuable insights without the slightest hint of potentially bruising a writer’s ego. As a former teacher, I recognize what a skill set that entails. Her aim was to help, and she did that. In spades. She has inspired me to have a go at a re-write. Let me say, this is a valuable prize for any future winner.” – John Bain, 1st Place winner of the 2009 RI International Film Festival Screenplay Competition
So, if you have a script you’re getting ready to send out into the world, I hope you’ll bid on the script analysis here to show your support for IMPASSE, which is sure to be one helluva collaboration.
Write on!
Leigh Medeiros @Silverwingscrpt
Silver Wing Script Services
As a THANK YOU to our backers for getting our IMPASSE Kickstarter campaign to $4,000 (33% funded), I present you with the original tweets from that cold, dreary day I sat in the window seat of Starbucks watching the couple’s loving and intense argument.
The birth of IMPASSE.
Our hope is, once you read them, you’ll have a full understanding of the power of observing the moment of impasse in someone’s life. Life is full of choices, especially difficult ones.
Please share this link with your friends who might enjoy the story of IMPASSE. We greatly appreciate your support in bringing this slice of life to the screen.
If you’re a backer, you can read page one of the actual script. This very first page will show you the intense mindset of the woman watching the fighting couple… oh, and there’s sex! So be sure to be on the backer list and click on UPDATE #11 to get your preview of the many layers of IMPASSE.
Now, for the tweets…
FADE IN:
INT. COFFEESHOP
jeannevb this couple has been standing outside Starbucks for 20 min arguing & its freezing out there. I want to go finish the fight for them
jeannevb I wish I could read lips. This looks like a good one. #fightvoyeur about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb it’s calm fight. They are upset but intently listening. I think this is the end for them & they know it @14_daysthemovie about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb uh oh, she’s pointing at him. Double-handed pointing. #heatingup about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
XanxiuZ This will not end well. RT @jeannevb uh oh, she’s pointing at him. Double-handed pointing. #heatingup about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb i’m imagining what they’re fighting about. Most interesting fight I’ve witnessed. @XanxiuZ about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb They must really love each other to have such an artful argument about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb they really need to stop fighting bc I have writing to do *taps on window* about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb now his hands in his pockets, her arms crossed. They are both staring into parking lot. Silent. @dklon about 1 hour ago
jeannevb He lowers his hood and looks at her. He looks vulnerable. She said something… and his hood went back up about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb She faces him, with her hands in a praying position in front of her mouth about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
14_daysthemovie @jeannevb Oh No! I want to tell him to stay with her and I’m not even watching. Shout out and tell them the twitter world is with them. lol about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb maybe I could use this as one of my homework assignments #tryingtomultitaskhere about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb she ain’t prayin’ no mo… now she’s pissed … and he’s the one pointing about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
richlackey @jeannevb are you actually watching this go down or is it playing out in your mind as you write it? If it is real, are you writing it down? about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb It’s real. Happening right here. I’m in window seat watching it. @richlackey about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb oh boy, he’s showing her his phone like he’s trying to prove innocence about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb he’s frantically waving the phone in her face… he double-fisted pointing is back in action about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb
I predict either great make up sex w her… or whomever he’s calling on cell 
RT @FurryWolfen: @jeannevb This is sounding sexy #dirtymind about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Do you think I shld tell them 4,264 people are reading their argument? #thisissowrong @14_daysthemovie about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb I shld feel guilty about invading their privacy, but u guys are mostly writers. Thought you’d enjoy this slice of reality for char research about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
EVictoriaF @jeannevb Seriously, I feel soap operas have seen their day while we all turn in to The Jeanne Bowerman Show. about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb I must say, I admire this couple’s intensity. No idea why they’re fighting outside in the freezing cold in a stripmall… hmmmm about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb ROFLMAO RT @14_daysthemovie: @jeannevb I’ve written it down and it’s in my next script and so are you tweeting. lmao. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb there is no way on Earth this couple isn’t madly in love to be doing this. #hopestheyendwithakiss #andihatehappyendings about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
Semperfelix @jeannevb or codependently connected and can’t unchain ? about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
EVictoriaF @jeannevb #pinsandneedles about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jdistraction
@jeannevb I tweeted a couple’s blind date last weekend. It’s the world we live in, baby. Lesson: talk quietly. We’re all listening. 
about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
Retweeted by you
jeannevb
@antiheroine I really hope one of us writes this scene #fairgameforall #seriouslysickwriter about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to antiheroine
jeannevb @lanitak1 no time to write it… i’m too busy tweeting it haha about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to lanitak1
jeannevb *sips hot cocoa & sits on edge of seat* RT @marisabirns: @jeannevb And then what happened? *sitting eating popcorn* about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb
@elizabethkarr this would make a great short film #AreYouReadyToRummmmmble about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to elizabethkarr
ElleFilz @jeannevb You are cracking me up! What are they doing now? about 1 hour ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb His shoulders are slumping as he leans against the cold, wet rail. Her stance defeated. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb He steps closer to her. She steps back. He retreats and puts his hood back up. She then takes one step toward him. about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb they certainly are persistent RT @Semperfelix: @jeannevb or codependently connected and can’t unchain ? 45 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb His hood is back down, he looks into the parking lot and shrugs. 44 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Let me say, it is freezing out there, FREEZING. For them to be doing this in THIS location says so much. #notetowritersaboutlocationchoice 43 minutes ago via TweetDeck
thetissuetalk @jeannevb You’re reading me my bedtime story. *leans forward in anticipation* about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb She waves her hands in frustration. Puts them to her face. Shakes… yet she moves closer to him. 42 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb I hope Starbucks doesnt have an internet time limit and cuts me off of this addition of Voyeur Newscast 42 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb For the first time, she notices people walking past them. Could this be nearing a conclusion? ” 41 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb They both look at their feet. 40 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb He’s talking, shrugging and nodding. Is it resignation… defeat… admission of guilt? 40 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Her arms are crossed. Now she goes to the rail. Touches it. Steps back. Her head bobbing as she talks… in a scolding manner. 38 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Did he cheat on her, do you think? Or maybe he has never told her he loves her & she needs reassurance? #hmmm 37 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb omg, they both took a step back. He put his hands in his pockets, and she joined her own hands as she sighed and looked down. 35 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb But she’s now really trying to drive a point home to him. He nods. Yet she persists. Is he really hearing what she’s saying? 34 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Total. Silence. 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb They look at each other, then at the parking lot. Silent. 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Still silent. An impasse. Who will budge first. 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck
MetronomePics @jeannevb These are the most suspenseful tweets ever! #suspense 33 minutes ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb She said something. He nodded and said okay. 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck
tracinell @jeannevb is she heartless?! or tired of waiting? 33 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb They are walking to the parking lot…next to each other… but far away 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck
KillerSocial *loud nose blow* do something! RT @jeannevb: They are waling to the parking lot…next to each other… but far away 42 minutes ago via Echofon
AuthoressAnon @jeannevb I feel like I’m right there! It’s like you write screenplays or something…. O.O about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb *snortlaugh* RT @AuthoressAnon: @jeannevb I feel like I’m right there! It’s like you write screenplays or something…. O.O about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
PennyAsh
@jeannevb Me too, you just gave me another idea about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb Trying to see if they’re getting in the same car 32 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb I’m standing up so I can see them…. 29 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb He walked her to her car. A long, tender embrace…. long embrace 29 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb They pull apart… and keep talking. Now standing in the rain (in 28 degrees I may add). 29 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb btw, in the middle of this, an elderly man came over and tried flirting with me. I told him to beat it, i was busy being a voyeur haha 28 minutes ago
jeannevb they’re still just standing talking. Why are the not going inside the car? #butthankfullytheyarent 26 minutes ago via TweetDeck
idmacman @jeannevb The dance of the doomed. I know it well. about 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone in reply to jeannevb
VLeeMahoney @jeannevb I’m at the edge of my seat. Are they ready to reconcile yet? about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb listen guy, kiss her already! No woman stands in the rain for a man she doesnt love! 25 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb uh oh, they’re now farther apart… maybe 15 feet now 24 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb She just made an aggressive “la di dah” sort of body language 23 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb
no, this is better #imagination RT @KillerSocial: Good god woman. We need video. LOL @jeannevb about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck
Mentorless @jeannevb OMG, just caught up with what’s going on on ur side of the world. best-absurd-situation of the day! Don’t turn the TV off! about 1 hour ago via web
jeannevb She opened her door. He stepped one small step closer. … 22 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb She got in and shut the door. 22 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb He’s standing alone. Looking at her inside the car. 22 minutes ago via TweetDeck
Burn2Write @jeannevb She wants him to beg her, her wants her to make the first move #butthankfullytheyarent 37 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
SoloAnn @jeannevb his wife is wealthy. very wealthy. his mistress? what kind of car is she driving? 36 minutes ago via Seesmic Desktop in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb (I can’t see what kind of car she’s in) 21 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb He lets out a huge sigh… and walked away 21 minutes ago via TweetDeck
lanitak1 @jeannevb call the cops to block the road, so they could continue fighting without distractions from passers-by. about 1 hour ago via TweetCaster in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb He’s at his SUV… opens the door and gets in. They’re both sitting in their cars. I can see the smoke coming from the exhaust. 20 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Who do you think will leave first? It’s like a standoff 20 minutes ago via TweetDeck
14_daysthemovie @jeannevb tell them to hurry up, I need the loo! about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
SCOPdope @jeannevb I love public eavesdropping. about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb She pulls out. He sits. 19 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb I can see her tail lights through the cold rain. I can feel his heart pounding as he sits motionless. 19 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb And he pulls out. Gone. 19 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Sigh 18 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb Love sucks. 18 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb I really have nothing to say now. Wow. That was wild. Sad. Beautiful. Heartbreaking. Wish you could have seen their faces. 15 minutes ago via TweetDeck
AudryT @jeannevb Good god, this is a romantic epic. 39 minutes ago via Seesmic twhirl in reply to jeannevb
lanitak1 @jeannevb don’t stay silent for too long. I’ve been reading your tweets out loud and people can’t wait to hear what happens next. about 1 hour ago via TweetCaster
jeannevb Dammit. I should have twitpiced it! #nowthatwouldhavebeenwrong 14 minutes ago via TweetDeck
@antiheroine I think he’ll call her. I know he’ll call her. 13 minutes ago via TweetDeck in reply to antiheroine
jeannevb *curtsy* RT @richlackey: @jeannvb that was worth the trek to Starbucks, you just thrashed out a very dramatic scene there #scriptchat 11 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb me too. RT @TAnneAdams: @jeannevb I’m going to think about that fight all day. I think a thousand luv stories were born from it. #writers 7 minutes ago via TweetDeck
jeannevb I feel sort of empty. Probably a little like they do. 7 minutes ago via TweetDeck
gianpadano @jeannevb You might have stumbled into a new genre of show business, my dear lady. If it catches on, kiss TV good bye. (Alleluja!!!) 36 minutes ago via web in reply to jeannevb
jeannevb We should let Twitter decide RT @Tinalh23: @jeannevb Wonder what started it? 2 minutes ago via TweetDeck
EVictoriaF @jeannevb He’s trying to hide the party he’s planning for her with her bff. She’s convinced they’re sleeping together. about 1 hour ago via web in reply to jeannevb
PennyAsh @jeannevb Maybe she just told him she’s pregnant about 1 hour ago via TweetDeck in reply to jeannevb
lanitak1 @jeannevb I think she was confronting him about smth he did rather than smth he didn’t do. about 1 hour ago via TweetCaster in reply to jeannevb
richlackey @jeannevb wow, that’s all I can say. So glad I logged on when I did. 44 minutes ago via TweetDeck
TAnneAdams @jeannevb that was intense. It’s also a great reminder of why not to fight in front of starbux. 27 minutes ago via web in reply to jeannevb
gianpadano @jeannevb …and the curtain drops…followed by very long, standing applause to @jeannevb …life goes on and…yes: love sucks, I do know 26 minutes ago via web in reply to jeannevb
Bekemeyer
@jeannevb your mind amuses me. I’m observing you, observing them. Your interpretation of what’s going on is as telling as anything else.
jeannevb @Bekemeyer this could be our short film, sir 4:50 PM – 5 Feb 11 via TweetDeck ·
FADE OUT:
My first day as Editor of ScriptMag.com - photo by my dear friend, Dutch Doscher.
I couldn’t possibly count the number of times my family collectively rolled their eyes while I obsessively tweeted from my Mac, iPad, iPhone… and sometimes all three at once.
Tweetaholic? Maybe. Don’t judge me. It works.
In less than three years on Twitter, I have gotten the equivalent of a Master’s degree in writing, social media, and the industry. It was worth every one of my over 86,600 tweets.
Oh yeah, when I do something, I go all the way!
To all of you who shared links about craft, twitpic’d pictures of your messy desks, cheered me on while writing Slavery by Another Name, allowed me to blog on your sites, and joined me in endless writing sprints, I humbly thank you.
Some think my landing my new job as Editor and Online Community Manager of ScriptMag.com is the finish line of my journey. It isn’t. It’s just the icing on the cake.
What means the most to me during these past three years is the number of generous people I’ve met in Twitterville who I am blessed to call my friends “in real life.”
From the depths of my soul, the tips of my toes, and the bottom of my tequila bottle… thank you.
The story of my Twitter journey and the power of 140 characters is live on Tribeca Future of Film site.
For those who have followed the journey of our feature adaptation of the Pulitzer Prize-winning book, Slavery by Another Name, you already know the documentary version of the same book is competing at Sundance.
Douglas A. Blackmon, the book’s author and the documentary’s Executive Producer, tweeted this morning the opening night’s packed house rose to their feet in applause.
As I read his tweet, I grinned. I couldn’t help but think back on the long journey Doug and I have had together the past three years. From my tireless efforts to get the adaptation gig, endless hours of condensing 80 years of U.S. history into a dramatic, entertaining story, to the countless rewrites.
Our goal was always to have the feature script solid by the time the doc premiered.
I am delighted to say, she is ready.
Why did it take so long to write? Because that’s what this subject matter deserves.
As my Daddy always says, “If you’re not going to do something right, don’t do it at all.” I couldn’t agree more.
Many people have asked me if knowing there was a separate documentary version made it harder for us to write the adaptation. On the contrary, it liberated us from the burden of teaching a history lesson. We were free to focus on creating an engaging, gripping, horrific tale that reaches every emotion a moviegoer can handle… and even some they can’t.
I’m confident when you watch the documentary, you’ll understand why this project has been so deeply important to us.
I look forward to the day I can share the news our adaptation will be coming to a theatre near you. Until then, watch the documentary, which originally aired on PBS February 13th, but now can be seen online for free. The DVD is also available on the PBS site.
You might even give it a standing ovation in your living room.
Watch Slavery by Another Name 30 second promo on PBS. See more from Slavery by Another Name.
Reviews:
What is truth? Is it something told or something lived?
Think about that question. Really think about the difference. Because there is a difference.
You can speak truthfully, but still live a lie.
In the schoolyard we heard phrases like, “liar, liar pants on fire.” The importance of not telling a fib is drilled into us at an early age. What we don’t learn is how to live in truth.
Whether you realize it or not, many people don’t live in truth. I watch it everyday. People on social media sites who, because they have thousands of followers, start to believe their own importance. When in reality, most of the “real world” doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Twitter.
“Followers” are stalkers to them.
In the world of a writer, it would be easy to get caught up in the rollercoaster of expectation. But if you live in truth, you quickly realize expectations need to be managed. Just because XYZ super-important network or production company had a meeting with you, doesn’t mean squat unless they want to pay you for your idea. You are no more important than the next screenwriter waiting to be kicked out of the waiting room.
Just because you kissed a lot of frogs does not make you a princess. It makes you a frog kisser.
White lies. Those are trickier.
“Does my butt look good in these jeans?” If you have to ask, you’re either fishing for a compliment or looking for someone to rationalize those Ho-Ho’s didn’t go directly to your Jaba-the-Hutt ass.
Pause before answering and ask yourself, “Am I hurting her by not speaking the truth?” If the answer is yes, then spill it and be prepared for the wrath. The girlfriend I took with me when I tried on wedding dresses was the type of friend who had no problem telling me if I looked like hell.
Friends don’t let friends wear bad fashion.
The most difficult person to be honest with is yourself. Sometimes we need a 2×4 to hit us upside the head to snap us to our senses.
The reality is, once you’ve spoken the truth out loud… your truth… there is no going back.
Let’s pretend this is Cosmo and take a quiz:
See where I’m heading here?
Be honest about the lies you live. Right now, go to the mirror, look at yourself… really look at yourself… and have a chat. Tell that person staring back at you what you think of them. What you like about them. What you don’t like about them.
Then breathe. Soak it in. Absorb the truth.
Dare to stay there as long as you can stand it, being honest with yourself. Seeing the true you, maybe even for the first time.
Then say one more daring thing…
“I love you.”
Once you declare that love out loud, you cannot hide from it. Your choices will change. Your friendships will change. You will change.
I know this because I lived it.
If you can’t say those three words to the one person in your life who is most important to your happiness, then make the changes you need in order to love yourself.
You deserve it. You deserve happiness. You deserve to live in reality, not fantasy.
You deserve love.
If you don’t love yourself, self-sabotage will infect your life like a poison, spewing into your relationships and into your work. You will fail over and over again, until you finally hit rock bottom.
Some of us need rock bottom to get honest. It’s not something to fear. It’s a blessing… as long as you choose to learn from it and evolve.
This is I, looking at you… right in the eyes…
I love you.
And that is the truth… now go live it.
I’ve been a therapy-goer for years, up until a session eight months ago, when I had one of those enlightening ah-ha moments. The very last thing I said to my therapist as I left was, “I’m ready to work on that.”
She beamed as I walked out the door.
I didn’t go back.
I used every excuse: I’m too busy… maybe after this L.A. trip… let me just get the kids on their new school schedule… the dog ate my homework. You name it, I used it as an excuse not to deal with the issue slapping me hard in the face. An issue I had been avoiding my entire life.
I dug a hole and hid in it, hoping the problems would go away.
Guess what happened? Fate took a 2×4 and slammed me aside the head, making it impossible to continue living in denial. It was time to evolve.
Ironically, the road to evolution starts at our childhood.
As I finished my first session back on the couch, in tears I asked, “Why can’t I let go of these feelings?”
She suggested I explore how I learned to cope as a child. When I was in an uncomfortable situation, what did I do? What was I thinking and what was I feeling during those moments? She specifically emphasized there’s a big difference between “thinking” and “feeling”.
That was a lot to digest. So I left her office and promptly did what I always do… I stuffed her question away, not to think about it until I absolutely had to.
This morning, I slid on her couch, mind racing with work and as far as possible from therapy, and asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
She said, “Coping.”
Huge sigh. Time to dust off denial and get to work. For those who have never been to therapy, let me assure you, it’s the hardest work you’ll ever do, and the first step is being honest. Oh, believe me, we all lie not only to ourselves, but also to our therapists.
But not this time. This go-around I’m determined to be brutally honest and find the answers to my often self-destructive behavior. It truly is the only way to heal and stop repeating unhealthy patterns.
“Think back to when you were a child… what’s the worst circumstance you remember?”
Gee, she was going straight for the jugular. Shit.
Instantly my eyes watered as I recounted a violent, emotional ordeal when I was nine.
She asked what I was thinking.
“People are fucked up.”
What was I feeling?
“Scared.”
What did I do?
“I stood there… and watched. Paralyzed.”
Then I shared other memories, answering the same to every one of them, “Fucked-up… scared… paralyzed.”
Then she asked what I felt physically during those times.
“Knots in my stomach. Anxiety. Fear.”
What do I do when I feel that kind of anxiety today?
“I freeze… ignore the problem and bury it so I don’t have to feel the knots.”
She smiled and said, “See the pattern?”
We learn how to cope when we’re children. We keep using those same coping mechanisms year after year, and often, even as adults. When we’re children, we trust the grownups around us to solve the problems. But as adults, we have more choices. We don’t have to stand there, scared and paralyzed. We can do something about it.
For me, today’s session was a big lesson in trusting my Spidey senses. If I get knots in my stomach, see red flags waving when I talk with someone new, or have a deep desire to bury an issue, I need to stop, take the biggest deep breath I can, and face whatever the issue is head on.
The actress Ellen Burstyn wrote an incredible book called Lessons in Becoming Myself. It’s not one of those Hollywood biographies. This is a book where Ellen shares her mistakes and growth, proving life will hit you over the head time and time again… harder each time… until you finally learn your lessons. In short, our mistakes need to be our lessons.
We just have to find the strength to own our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and choose to live a better life.
Sometimes to live the life you deserve, you need to go back to square one and step into the shoes of your nine-year-old self. Maybe even give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be fine, if only she’d speak up and look fear right in the face.
Coping with our problems is a learned behavior. But that doesn’t mean we can’t unlearn it and choose a healthier path. I know I’ll fall often, but I’ll start by being kind to myself and to that little girl who still lives inside me.
As my new friend, Doug Richardson, says, “We must learn to unlearn.”
I think a new coping mechanism is a good place to start.
Every weekday morning, I make the 30-minute drive, taxing my teenagers to school, complete with loud “ghetto music,” frantic last-minute studying for tests, and the random, “Shit, I forgot my backpack!” as we pull into the school’s lot.
Sure, I bitch about “teen taxi time,” but the truth is, I’ll cherish these days long after they’ve left the nest.
My kids crack me up.
The other day I decided to give them relationship advice – not that they wanted it. I just like to annoy the hell out of them sometimes. So the topic of the day was “What to look for in a life partner.” I could feel them cringe at the announcement.
I started with what I feel are the two most important questions to ask when you’re considering spending your life with someone:
1. Can you imagine your life without them?
That got a shrug, with my girl blurting, “I can’t imagine looking at someone’s face day in and day out… forever.”
Hopeless romantics they are not.
My boy’s response was, “Yeah, whatever.”
Then I hit them with number two…
2. Would you wipe their ass?
My girl confirmed I just solidified my most-inappropriate-mom status.
I went on to explain how in life one never knows what will happen health-wise, and you always have to be prepared to take care of someone.
My boy ponders this concept for a minute, and then chimes in.
“Mom, I only have one question – why the hell would I marry someone who couldn’t wipe their own ass?”
Excellent point, Son. Apparently personal hygiene is actually important to them. Go figure.
This morning, the topic was “Is there any room of our house our dog hasn’t shit in?”
We proceeded to go through each room and reminisce about “perv dog” and his poo. My boy groaned how the cats keep pissing in his game room, but quickly pointed out the upside, “At least you wouldn’t be able to tell if I was smoking weed in there.”
Who would have thought pet excrement would lead to drugs. I may have to kill the cats.
But the reality is, even if he was smoking pot in there, I just gave him an opening to talk about it with me. I guess I should thank our incontinent cat.
In “teen taxi time” we swear, we sing, we laugh, and sometimes we’re even silent. In fact, I learn a hell of a lot from those quiet moments too. It’s not always what people say, but what they don’t say that speaks volumes.
Yes, that is me rationalizing them putting duct tape on my mouth.
Just now, on the ride home, after the F bomb had been dropped a dozen times, I stated, “I think we need to stop swearing so much.”
My girl: “blah, blah, blah”
My boy: “Shit, no!”
A swearing ban is not going to happen, but not because I’m a horrible, undisciplined mother, but simply because my car is a safe zone for us to just be us. No veneers, no judgment, and no topic off limits.
What happens in the teen taxi, stays in the teen taxi… except if your mom is a writer.
“Life is short.” We’ve heard the expression a million times, but how often have you soaked in what those words truly mean?
Last week, a fellow writer and friend suddenly passed away. Just gone. One day he was there, the next, vanished. Far too young with so many dreams left unrealized.
I’ve had Mark Worthen’s Twitter page up on my laptop since the moment I heard the sad news.
Why?
As a reminder to live my life as if I wouldn’t wake tomorrow.
It forced me to analyze how I use my energy. Do I want to spend my final moments thinking about the people who have bullied me? Do I want to gasp my last breath and not have told those dear to me how much I love them? Do I want to feel my heart slowing, worrying how the mortgage will get paid?
Imagine today is your last day. What would you do?
I’d hug my parents and thank them for always believing in me. Kiss my teenagers, seeing their love for me twinkle in their eyes. I’d admit to the people I have wronged that I failed to live up to my own expectations and ask for forgiveness. I’d find the people who have wronged me and simply wish them well, confident they’d still screw people over until someone did the same to them. I’d take a long walk in the mountains with my best friend, ending with the longest, strongest hug I could give. I’d kiss the man I love. I’d pray. I’d email Slavery by Another Name to every producer, actor and agent in town and tell them to do it justice… and send the check to my kids. I’d have a party and celebrate the amazing life I have had.
I’d cry. I’d laugh. I’d love. Most of all, I would give love.
I’m fairly certain of one thing: I would not waste my last day sitting at this computer. I would live it.
“Life is short” – three, powerful, one-syllable words.
Now go live.
Dedicated to Jeannie Eddy, the beloved wife of Mark W. Worthen
A giggle, a smirk, a jealous comment said behind someone’s back. Seems harmless, but what happens when the person you’re gossiping about overhears?
Recently I’ve been a victim of such gossip. “Friends” I thought respected and supported
me both professionally and personally spread a wave of negativity and lies. Their words were hurtful, mean-spirited and false assumptions that demeaned my character.
After I wiped the tears away, I took a good hard look in the mirror and realized I’ve been guilty of spewing venom on occasion myself. It was a rather eye-opening week.
The one question spinning in my head is why do people act out like this?
The most obvious is jealousy, insecurity, or unhealed inner wounds. Personally, when I think back at times I have inappropriately spoken ill of someone, those were the reasons.
But these people’s words were just cruel and complete lies based on assumptions, not facts.
People falsely read into the words you say, trying to find hidden meanings and agendas. They project their own wants and issues onto you. Before you know it, they’ve spun a web of fantasies they believe must be true, if only in their pinhead minds.
I have no hidden agendas. I’ve always been an open book. Anyone who reads this blog knows that.
The saddest part of all is it’s made me question every single person in my life and wonder who my true friends are. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. As my career moves forward, I’m sure more of these venomous predators will slither from the cracks.
Why someone would piss off a Sicilian black belt is beyond me.
But I won’t hurt them. I can’t. It’s not my style. Nor will I ever call them out in public. They know who they are. However, I will never help them, nor will they be the beneficiaries of my philosophy to pay it forward. Karma will kick their ass for me.
I will forgive them, because the God I believe in wants me to. But I will never forget what they said and the callous way in which they insulted my professionalism and my character.
As much as this gut-punch hurt, every hit I take in life brings a valuable lesson:
I have taught my children never to post anything on a social media site they wouldn’t be comfortable seeing printed on the front page of a newspaper. I am now adding another golden rule to the mix:
Never say anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
Believe me, if these “friends” had the balls to speak those vial assumptions to me directly, I would have slapped the words right out of their mouths.
Words are weapons. Once you have stabbed someone with them, that wound will leave a permanent scar.
And if you are a person who feeds on venomous rumors and laughs along with the insecure gossiping liars of this world, what makes you think they aren’t spreading rumors about you too?
The reality is, most gossipers are serial ones. No “friend” of his or hers is safe.
Be careful what you say, someone is always listening.
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